3 Ways New Dads Can Make Life Less Stressful

By Ian Dinwiddy, Thriving Parents Coach and Founder of Inspiring Dads.

You might be wondering how you’re going to survive the emotional upheaval of becoming a new dad.

I know exactly how you feel. 

In fact, I felt the same way when my daughter Freya was born in 2010.

It can be a really brutal learning curve, especially first-time round. In fact, I think it’s worse than most people believe it’ll be. In hindsight we Dads are painfully ill equipped to deal with the emotional and practical complexity of fatherhood.

Of course it doesn’t help that almost as soon as we’ve got used to creating a family, we’re plunged back into work as if nothing has happened in our lives.    

My name is Ian Dinwiddy, I‘m a Thriving Parents coach, I specialise in supporting dads, and I know what it is like be a stressed new dad. 

I wasn’t always a coach – when my daughter was born, I was a management consultant, a workstream lead on a software implementation project. Fortunately I had been given a local project that was easily commutable.

However, becoming a coach has helped me to reflect back on what we did as family, what worked and what didn’t.

I’m going to share 3 key actions that can make life stressful for you and your partner. 

1. Make plans together

My story starts in 2009 when my wife, Lisa, and I were preparing for the arrival of our daughter. 

We were actively thinking about how we were going to live our lives.

Intentionally designing the direction and principles that were important and would guide us.   

Naturally finances had to come into it. Although I had a good job, my wife’s law career was better paid and likely to remain so. On a practical level, although working long hours, her job was based in London, while mine could easily involve been away from home for 4 nights at a time.

With grandparents many miles away and a core vision that “one of us will always be there” our circumstances pretty much dictated that in the short term at least I would be stepping away from my career to focus on looking after our daughter

The plan we hatched was that when the full pay element of Lisa’s maternity leave ended, she would return to work and I would become a stay at home dad and at some stage we would take up a part time nursery place to support Freya’s development and allow me to explore freelance consultancy opportunities (more freelance opportunities in my field).

Together is the key word I want you to take away. We had really honest conversations, as a couple, about what parenting was going to look like for us and together we created a plan to deliver that vision.  

2. Ask for what you need

We knew that I would need to stop work in July 2010 - we’d factored in several weeks of handover period, but we also recognised that me working 5 days a week until that date didn’t fit with our vision of how we wanted to live our lives.

We looked at the numbers and decided 4 days a week would be doable; it would be good practice for adjusting our spending in prep for 1 salary! 

Sometimes the hardest part as a dad is asking for a change to your working patterns, concern that your long term career prospects might be harmed. In that regard, like many women I didn’t really have a choice. We had a plan and I needed to deliver against it.

I handed my notice in about 9 months (!) before I wanted to leave and after a short conversation my boss Julia, she accepted my request to work 4 days a week after my 2 weeks of paternity leave. 

In January 2010 Freya was born and after 2 weeks of statutory paternity leave, I moved to four days a week. My fifth day, my “at home” day was built around the business needs. At the end of each week, in discussion with rest of the project team, we scheduled my day off for the next week.

With the clarity and certainty of knowing what you need, you might be surprised by your manager’s reaction. Good businesses want to help their staff.

Any worries I had about being sidelined or working my day off were unfounded, my project team and the client were completely unfazed by a man making a change and being more involved in his baby’s life. In fact, I know some of them were envious!

3. Pay attention to your partner’s daily pressure points

It wasn’t all plain sailing… Freya had reflux, quite severe in the first 3 months, and I used to dread the time when I would check in with Lisa to find out how her morning had been.

It was a lunch time call. I’d get my sandwich and I would sit in a quiet spot outside the office, phone in and I would ask her how things were. Depending on what she said it that would have a fundamental impact on my emotional well-being for the rest of the day.  

I was nervous about making that call - Freya could be a bit of a nightmare, screaming and not feeding and not sleeping. She was good at sleeping at night (her superpower!), but not good during the day. 

I didn’t know this initially… but Lisa knew exactly which train I was planning to get, it was the same train every day. She knew exactly what time I should walk through the door and if I couldn't get that train, she really felt those extra 15 minutes or so. 

The difference in timings made a real, big difference to her and it affected her mental health. She was exhausted and my lateness was the last thing she needed.

I didn't realise the impact of that train. 

I had a target train, but in my mind it was nice to have, rather than essential. 

Discovering how important those minutes were was a real game-changer for me. I became laser focused on leaving on time, it was no longer an optional nice to have, it was all about my wife’s mental being and understanding her pressure point.

The nature of becoming a new dad, with so many things outside of your control, means it’s hard to get it all ‘right’ at the same time, but these 3 steps will help reduce the overwhelm and stress in your life.

1. Make plans together
2. Ask for what you need
3. Pay attention to your partner’s pressure points

Congratulations if you’ve noticed that all three actions involve open and honest communication!