It’s Time For Dads To Patch Up The Ship And Plot A Course To 2021

By Ian Dinwiddy, Thriving Parents Coach and Founder of Inspiring Dads.

As I remember it, 2020 started pretty well. Our two children turned 10 and 7 in January, flights were booked to celebrate my father in law’s 70^th, and plans were coming together to travel to Italy in the summer to celebrate my brother-in-law’s 40^th. A big piece of work was lined up….

But trouble was brewing on the horizon. Despite the initial warnings in January of a strange flu like infection on the other side of the world, at that stage I don’t think many of us really “got it”.

Full steam ahead into the new year.

Like the telegraph room on the SS Titanic, the warnings of severe trouble ahead were clear in hindsight. Far eastern countries with experience of SARS took the warnings seriously. Europe, it is fair to say, was less quick to grasp the enormity of the potential impact.

At my kid’s school there was worry about a dad who had just come back from a work trip to Singapore, who had he seen and when?!

Like the lookout perched high in the crow’s nest, the warning was shouted, alarm bells were rung. But sometimes you need to see the threat for yourself before you react.

Instead of being the destination for a family summer break, Northern Italy became a place we nervously looked to as an example of what might happen.

Alarm bells

Then came the frantic alarm bells of society realising the warnings were about to come true - we were moving too quickly, too many things had carried on as normal.

Realising that there was no way to avoid collision with the Covid-berg, people started making plans – getting essentials in, buying freezers and upgrading Wi-Fi, preparing to work remotely.

For my family, who started self-isolating after our son developed what was probably (!) just a cough, national lockdown started with collecting our children’s school stuff. Dozens of bags poignantly laid out in the March sunshine awaiting collection.

Initial lockdown measures represented just the tip of the iceberg of the disruption and collective trauma.

Shielding the vulnerable, childcare and schools shut, Furlough schemes, essential workers keeping society moving, families attempting to work from home and keep children occupied and educated….

...domestic violence, depression, job losses, illness, and deaths.

This wasn’t just one ship hitting an iceberg, it was millions of family size ships, some better able to cope with the flood of bad news than others.

Tough on Dads

2020 has been a tough time for everyone and in amongst the chaos, Dads have struggled.

Trying to balance work and fatherhood, feeling guilty for not doing enough for the family, and trying to hang onto their jobs.

Depression, anxiety, and stress – it’s been reported that 80% of men feel the pressure to be the rock for their families – and that’s pre pandemic.

For every dad who has struggled, there is a family that has been impacted too.

The dads I talk to keep telling me about the “emotional corona-coaster.”

After the initial excitement  of being at home and being massively better connected to their families, they wobbled, overcome by the enormity of the challenge and the existential threat to their ability to keep their family safe and secure.

It was the same for me.

At the start of our Lockdown, I was working both Saturday and Sundays to make up time – that lasted about 4 weeks until I had my own massive wobble and realised I was getting burnt out.

I found myself sitting on the sofa in my dressing gown at 6.15am, unable to make any sense of what I should be doing.

Paralysed by overwhelm and not knowing what I needed to tackle first.

Running on empty is no good for anyone, so we started a Saturday family film night (popcorn is compulsory) and we would go for a  family walk every weekend – fresh air, exploring somewhere new and getting out the house together. It made such a massive difference!

Not always appreciated

The dads I coach and talk to are all doing more domestically – both childcare and housework.

I’ve seen evidence that it is double the pre-pandemic levels but, despite that, too often I’ve read newspaper or online stories that focus on the pressures on mums.

In many ways women have suffered more - in the front line, in low paid roles, more likely to be on furlough, more likely to have the burden of both work and childcare and losing their jobs as a result.

But focusing purely on mums isn’t helpful; dads too have faced enormous disruption but have stepped up to the plate – redoubling their efforts at work and in the home.

It would be easy to be disheartened as a dad when you read stories that bash you for not increasing your domestic load as much as mums.

You only need to read the tone of this article from the BBC to see what I mean:  https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-52808930

But…. wanting more family life

Parenting in the pandemic is pretty rubbish on many levels – I don’t think anyone would design an ideal working week that includes home school and 5 days sharing a kitchen table with your youngsters.

But despite the pressures of workload, boundaries, and anxiety, I see many dads planning a different future normal. More time at home fully integrated into family life.

I had a client in a 2 bedroom flat, no outside space, baby teething, hours (and income) cut. And yet still he was planning a future where 5 days could fit into 4 and 2 days would be at home.

It was a powerful lesson in how through the  adversity of 2020, dads can create a better future. 

Winter is coming

With Covid restrictions only likely to get worse and the clocks going back, we all need to take charge of our own circumstances, the good, the bad and the ugly.

It’s time to create the platform for a better 2021.  Staying in our man caves will only ever be a temporary solution.

Before we can build a better future, we need to be certain that we’ve got control of the here and now.

The good news is...

Unlike Captain Smith of the Titanic, we can improve the design of the ship and create bulkheads that don’t allow the flood of bad news to spill over into every compartment of our lives.

We can make repairs and stabilise the flooding. Naturally our ship will settle in the water, but it WILL float, and that is so much better than us being nose down, depressed, while the band plays on.

Sign up to a free webinar on 10th December, Taking back control for busy dads, and learn simple techniques to take control of the disaster that is 2020.

Click here to register free.

It’s time to patch up the ship and plot the course into 2021.