How To Cope With Empty Nest Syndrome

By Natalie Boudou

I dropped off my son at University in the UK this weekend and since then I have been experiencing a real sense of loss. Since he received his results in June I have been on an emotional rollercoaster, anticipating his departure and dreading the « goodbye ». And yes, it was I expected. I was a blubbering mess as we drove up to his halls of residence and I cried all the way back home. Now, back in Switzerland, I am relieved to have it behind me. Like most mothers I had been dreading this university drop off from the moment my child was born, and it crept up on me all too soon.

I wanted to write this article for two reasons. Firstly, because I have been able to share my feelings with girlfriends who also have children leaving home. The support they have given me is incredible and, if you are suffering right now, it is important to realise that you are not alone. Secondly, as a resilience specialist, I would like to share some tips and strategies for women to stay happy and strong during this transition phase.

“Chin up” has been the response of many friends who have urged me to focus on the positive and be happy for my child when my emotions get the better of me. Of course, we all dream of a time when our children are confident enough and capable to go out into the adult world and stand on their own two feet. It should be a moment to rejoice. Yet by talking to my girlfriends I have been surprised by how strong feelings of loss can be overwhelming for many and how grief that often starts before this transition period, can continue long after our children have flown the nest.

You might say what about the dads? Well, it’s a fair question and I don’t want to diminish their difficulties or emotions during this period. However, from my experience and from exchanging with other mums on the subject I have come to realise that mothers often experience this time more intensely and often lose a sense of being needed. As Madeline Levin from the New York Times writes:

“Motherhood inextricably weaves growth and loss together from the moment of physical separation at birth to every milestone passed”.

I am not entirely sure why this is the case but what is clear is that from the moment our children are born we find ourselves juggling careers with parenting, often not feeling we are doing enough and having little information on how to look after ourselves and develop as our children grow. When they leave home all of this balance changes and we have to refocus and find ourselves again Another tricky part of the equation is that when our children leave this often coincides with the menopause and with questions about our careers in the latter part of our working lives. It’s a lot to take in.

So how can we keep the balance and move forward with confidence into the next chapters of our lives.? Here are a few suggestions for those of you who are at this transition stage and for those who might be thinking of preparing in advance.

PREPARE

It is wise to prepare for this period of change that starts as early as primary school and then accelerates throughout teenage years. Investing in your career or finding a voluntary activity is a great way to keep the balance. I launched a new business last year which is exciting and time- consuming but I am so grateful to have this activity. It helps me keep a sense of identity and I know that I am continuing to develop professionally.

SELF COMPASSION

Be kind to yourself and acknowledge the change in your life. Self- compassion is core to resilience and crucial as you give yourself time to adjust and move on. At PEPIT we work with our clients to identify and accept emotions. Take the time to be in touch with how you are feeling and sit with your emotions. Pushing emotions aside will stop you from dealing with the pain and will prevent you from bouncing back.

BE PROUD

When our kids leave home it’s not a form of abandonment, but an expression of a job well done. Take the time to congratulate yourself and bear in mind that our children will be proud of us as we move on with our lives too.

HAVE FUN

Make the most of your relationships with friends and partners and arrange to do activities that give you pleasure.

COMMUNICATE

Talk to friends and family about how you are feeling and learn from others who are coping well. This is a way of acknowledging the sadness and making space to express it fully. We all need a support network and it’s important to avoid isolation.

NEW SKILLS

Make an effort to learn something new such as playing an instrument or learning a language. This will boost your brain power and help you focus on the positives in life.