When The Reality Of Parenthood Hits: A Guide To The Early Days

Nothing can prepare you for the realities of parenthood. In the early days, it’s crucial that you look after yourself and lean on those closest to you for support.

You have probably spent the last 40 weeks preparing for the birth, acquiring all the baby paraphernalia, and organising your maternity and paternity leave. Most people are not prepared for what has been termed “The Fourth Trimester” and even if you know what’s coming, it can still be a shock.

Your baby will not want to be put down. He or she will be waking regularly during the night and feeding constantly around the clock. Everyday tasks will become almost impossible. You will be worrying about whether your baby is putting on enough weight, or getting enough skin-to-skin, and even checking they are still breathing at regular intervals! On top of all that, friends and family will be wanting to come and meet your new bundle of joy.

Particularly for new mothers, it may be difficult to accept help at first. Try to remember that leaning on others for support does not mean that you are not a good parent or that you can’t manage. Looking after a new baby is hard and you will be physically weak and vulnerable after the birth, so let your partner and immediate family do things for you.

At Thriving Parents, we help men and women transition to parenthood from early pregnancy to returning to work. We find that it’s common for couples to struggle with the division of labour in the early days, and with adapting to their new roles. Mothers often want to appear they have it all together when they need help, and Fathers often feel left out and unsure of what they can do to help.

Here are some of the challenges faced by one couple...



A New Dad’s Perspective

“The day my son arrived was the happiest day of my life. I held him for the first time and felt nothing but love for this tiny person. We arrived home from the hospital the next day and suddenly we were on our own. They don’t give you a manual for looking after a baby, you just have to figure it out as you go!

My wife was amazing and seemed to know instinctively what to do and how to care for him, while I felt a bit useless. For the first week I occupied myself by caring for her and keeping the house running - making cups of tea, bringing her breakfast in bed, and walking the dog. I also helped during the night by waking up to cuddle the baby, so that my wife could have a break and get some sleep.

But then I had to go back to work and things started to get more difficult. I had to sleep on the sofa for a while because the baby’s crying would wake me up several times every night and I was struggling to focus at work. When I came home during the evenings, the baby would often be cluster feeding and there was not much for me to do. If I tried to take the baby for a while, he would just scream until he was with my wife again.

I definitely felt left out. I missed spending the evenings with my wife and doing things together, and I felt as though they didn’t need me. I couldn’t work out where my place was in all of this. My wife confronted me because she felt that I wasn’t doing anything to help, and I explained that I didn’t know what to do. We realised then that we hadn’t been communicating with each other. She wasn’t asking me for help, and I wasn’t asking what I could do to help!

We agreed that I would be in charge of bath time every night, so that she could take a break and I could spend some one-to-one time with my son. He loved having a bath so it was enjoyable for both of us and helped us to bond.”

A New Mum’s Perspective

“In the early days after my son arrived, I experienced exhaustion on a new level! I was very lucky to form a strong attachment to him early on, so I was in a happy bubble and full of love for him. However he screamed if I tried to put him down and kept me up most of the night. I had spent so much time getting ready for labour, but I hadn’t prepared myself for coping with a new baby.

My husband was really helpful during the first week. Before the baby came along, every morning I would get up and feed the animals before taking the dog for a walk and making breakfast. Most of this was now impossible because I was still recovering from the birth and couldn’t put the baby down, so he took over the household tasks and let me focus on caring for our son.

When my husband returned to work, I gradually relearned to do things that I took for granted before. I figured out how to butter toast with one hand, and take a shower while watching the baby. As my body healed, I could walk further with the dog and I worked out how to use a baby carrier.

Then I began to resent my husband. My whole life had changed and as much as I loved spending time with my new baby, it was a huge effort just to get through the day; whereas his life seemed to be the same. He came home from work, sat on the sofa and watched TV all evening while I tended to our son. I barely saw my husband anymore because he stayed downstairs while I took the baby up to get ready for bed, then he slept on the sofa and didn’t come to bed.

When I spoke to him about this and asked him to help out more, it became clear that we both felt abandoned by each other for different reasons. I was desperate to show him that I was a good mum, so I was just getting on with it and not asking for help. How was he meant to know that I needed him if I didn’t communicate that? I had to learn that it wasn’t a weakness to be honest about things I struggled with and ask for help. He was happy then to have things to do that made him feel included and allowed him to spend time with the baby, and I could finally take a break!”

We want to help you feel ready and prepared for having a baby, and to also feel positive and confident throughout your parental leave. We have a vision to empower 1 million parents by 2020 - so that they can choose their best version of work and family life. Sign up to our mailing list to learn more and receive regular updates!